Fear of rejection: an expert's explanation

In her latest online article, highly experienced consulted clinical psychologist Dr Kerry Ashton-Shaw explains the fear of rejection, using the example of one of her patients. She explains how she helped her patient overcome this fear, and to live a happier life.

What is a fear of rejection? What could cause it?

Fear of rejection can lead to unhelpful patterns of thinking and behaving in relationships. It’s something that most of us have experienced from time to time – the worry that the person we like (or love) doesn’t feel quite the same way – and will reject us; end the relationship, break our hearts.  But for some of us, this fear of rejection runs a little deeper and causes more pervasive difficulties.

What if your understanding of relationships – at a neurobiological level – is that others will ultimately reject you, what would you do? How would you protect yourself from this heartache? *Tom, a young man in his twenties, had a solution to this problem that guaranteed he would never get rejected, never be hurt, and never feel the pain of a loved one ending a relationship. Tom kept everyone at arm’s length – friends, family and romantic relationships, never getting too close to anyone. Result! Never getting close means he never got hurt.  

Anyone spot the downside? Tom, while protecting himself from the hurt of possible rejection was also preventing himself from the ultimate joy and happiness of being in a close and trusting relationship and feeling safe, special and loved. The fear of rejection meant Tom was actively preventing himself from this experience. What Tom didn’t realise was - close and trusting relationships – the very thing he was avoiding – was the very thing that could help him.

Identifying the cause

Tom and I traced his fear of rejection back to his childhood. His biological mother was unable to care for him. He was removed from his biological family and adopted at 24 months. Despite his adopted family being caring and loving Tom, throughout his life, had a deep fear of rejection. Truly believing that others would always reject him – as he felt his birth mother had.  Tom’s early experiences with his birth family affected his brain development in other ways – making it extra difficult for Tom to feel safe in relationships with others.

In therapy, Tom was able to work on the relationship with his adoptive parents first – until he felt safe in that relationship (i.e., certain that he was loved unconditionally and would never be rejected) before he was able to move on. Slowly he was able to get closer to others and learn new ways of understanding relationships, without the overwhelming fear of rejection preventing him experiencing the joy of close and trusting relationships.

*Tom is not an actual client, he is a mixture of many clients

Dr Kerry Ashton-Shaw is a highly knowledgeable and committed consultant clinical psychologist based in Liverpool. If you would like to book a consultation with Dr Ashton-Shaw, you can do so today via her Top Doctors profile.