The chore wars: how couple therapy can help resolve household conflicts

No one ever said coexistence would be easy, and co-living with roommates arguably less so. Someone else being in your space every day, needing to deal with their messes and constantly making compromises about how the home is arranged is enough to rouse ire and tension in any household – even if this roommate happens to be your committed partner whom you love. Couple therapy can help facilitate open and honest discussion in a neutral space about the deeper underlying issues within a relationship without conflating them with disputes over chores. Esteemed clinical psychologist, Dr Steven Mahan-Taylor, discusses the role couple therapy can play in keeping the home peaceful.

Everybody has their personal idea of how they want their home to be managed and run, how they want it to be decorated, and what fits in their definitions of “clean” and “messy”. It’s not possible to have the same domestic standards as someone else, regardless of the romance and the years spent together. In addition, there can also be the pressure of feeling like there is no space to be on your own. If there is no open communication and the acceptance of compromise, the home becomes no longer a safe space but an awkward, uncomfortable place where no one can be or speak freely.

In a heterosexual relationship, there may be a subconscious delegation of tasks and roles within the household, which will affect the dynamic. Women may be expected to be responsible for laundry and cooking, whereas the men may be in charge of maintaining the yard or taking out the trash.

The tasks may be divided in a literal 50/50, but there needs to be consideration of the frequency of the chore and the intensity it requires – if one person is in charge of the cooking every day, then that means they have to cook at least once a day, whereas the trash may only need to be taken out once a week.

Issues with the chore delineation that spiral into fights and arguments are not actually about the chores – they’re projections of issues within the relationship itself. If an unswept floor elicits an explosive reaction, the true trigger may be feeling that you’re unheard, unimportant, or unsupported in the relationship, even if it wasn’t your partner’s intent.

How can couple therapy help address these issues?

With a therapist, who can act as an unbiased party the way that friends and family cannot, couples can unpack the disagreements they have over household tasks bit by bit so that they can get to the core of their frustrations and hurt. Adjusting expectations is essential to happy relationships and the same goes for chores. Compromises can be agreed to and expectations are adjusted once a couple understands that their desire to be together should supercede material disagreements about who refills the toilet paper and who makes the bed. Couples therapy can also equip couples with de-escalation skills, tools, and vocabulary, so that partners can manage anger or negative feelings (a “cool down” period). Any confrontations about housework can then be presented calmly and navigated without aggression.

Therapy will help couples address latent wounds in each partner, regarding aspects of the relationship dynamic such as accountability, responsiveness, engagement, or accessibility.

Chores are simply tasks that have to get done. If one partner feels that there is an unbalance in how chores are completed, then the couple should sit down together and create a comprehensive chore chart – what needs to be done, when should it be done, and what is considered “done”. Making a chore chart to set chores or a rotating schedule helps to establish a standard of time and performance, so long as commitment is kept by both partners. However, with this in mind, there could be that some weeks you will have to take over your partner’s chores due to them be being at work, or unwell, or travelling – and vice versa! A relationship is a team, and it is important to remember you’re playing for the same goal. The relationship will fare a lot better if you don’t become fixated on keeping the score or always winning the arguments.

If you and your partner would like to explore couple therapy, Dr Mahan-Taylor is available for consultation via his Top Doctors profile.