Why you need to overcome low self-esteem and how to do it

Low self-esteem is the feeling that there is a gap between how we see ourselves and how, or who, we feel we ought to be. Learn from Dr Edward Bloomfield (a London chartered psychologist) about this relationship that we have with ourselves and how psychological therapy can help to overcome low self-esteem.

The concept of self-esteem

When we talk about “self-esteem”, we are talking about the kind of relationship we have with ourselves. How we feel within ourselves is connected to:

• How we see ourselves.
• How we think about ourselves.
• How we evaluate who we are and what we do.

Inextricably linked to how we relate to ourselves is how we believe we are experienced by those around us.

Common phrases in everyday speech reveal how we naturally think about the ongoing relationship we have with ourselves. If we feel confident, we talk about self-assurance. When we feel uncertain, we talk about self-doubt.

When we feel embarrassed, guilty or ashamed, we might become self-critical. It is as if, in these moments, we are both the person judging and the person being judged. When we criticize someone for their actions we sometimes ask: “How can you live with yourself?” Sometimes we might say of someone that they are “their own worst enemy.”

The relationship we have with ourselves

Whether we have a comfortable or uncomfortable relationship with ourselves depends on the kind of judgements we make. This can naturally change and fluctuate throughout the day, according to:

• What our circumstances are.
• What we are doing.
• Who we are with.

Having done something well, we might feel pleased or proud of ourselves. When feeling safe and in the company of trusted others, we tend to feel relaxed and comfortable in our own skin. In such moments, we can forget ourselves and just be. At these times, we can more easily take for granted that we ourselves will carry on functioning, without too much need for conscious and deliberate self-control. It is probably in such moments that we are capable of being at our most creative and have a greater sense of personal agency.

On the other hand, discomfort is often linked to questioning ourselves. Then we might feel at odds with ourselves and can unhelpfully become more acutely self-conscious. Low self-esteem often comes from feeling that there is a gap between how we see ourselves and how, or who, we feel we ought to be. The disparity between who we think we are and who we think we ought to be can be linked to many things.

• Our view of ourselves (who we think we are) might be unrealistically negative, leading to chronic feelings of not measuring up.
• Our expectations of ourselves (who we ought to be) may be unrealistically high, in which case we are forever haunted by the person we feel we should be.
• Sometimes, we compensate for overly negative feelings about ourselves by striving towards unrealistic goals, creating a vicious cycle of always finding ourselves wanting.

Being only human is part of the human condition, with our inevitable flaws and limitations. Coming to terms with these aspects of ourselves can create a greater sense of realistic self-acceptance, leading to greater depth and a more genuine and balanced understanding of oneself.

Psychological therapy for low self-esteem

Psychological therapy can help with issues of low self-esteem. Therapy can be a safe place to explore how we think about ourselves. This can also involve understanding where our beliefs and perceptions of ourselves came from.

For example, with people with overly negative views, therapy can help discuss and understand when, where and how these critical views came about. This can sometimes be linked to early experiences while growing up e.g. seeking conditional approval. Negative self-perceptions might also sometimes be linked to current circumstances, such as dissatisfaction or unresolved conflicts at work, within the family and in our close relationships. Having a space to discuss these areas in therapy can create a greater sense of clarity, which in itself can help free things up.

Therapy can also develop a greater awareness of the values we live by and measure ourselves against. For example, we may question:

• Where do these values come from?
• Are they inherited and if so, where from?
• Do we have a sense of ownership of the implicit values that continue to guide us in our self-evaluations?

Exploring these issues with a therapist can make the values and goals which guide our actions more explicit. Therapy can also help review and revise these values and find ways of living in ways that are more congruent with the values and lifestyle we more consciously decide to embrace and live by.

Discover how Dr Bloomfield can help you overcome low self-esteem among other mental health conditions – visit his profile.