Coping with cheating and getting back to you
Written in association with:
Psychologist
Published: 16/03/2023
Edited by: Karolyn Judge
The pain of being cheated on can leave you in a desolate place mentally, and possibly leaving you with unanswered questions about how to cope.
You also may ask whether it’s a good idea to get back with the person who cheated on you, and how this wound can be stopped from impacting a new relationship. Here to address these difficult but important issues, alongside other related topics, is leading chartered counselling psychologist in London, Miss Kiki Iordanidou.
Please can you provide five tips on how to cope with the emotional pain of being cheated on?
The reality is that you are not alone, and you should remember that. Regardless of, if there is an emotional, mental, or/and sexual cheating, finding out that your partner has been unfaithful, is painful. You feel hurt, disappointed, angry, and frequently blame yourself.
Here are some tips that can help you in these difficult times:
Accept your feelings and the processRemember that the negative feelings that you experience are very much understandable. Cheating feels like a loss, and as any other form of loss, intense feelings are very normal and you need time to heal. Regardless of how painful they are, don’t assume they will last for ever, because they won’t. No feeling last forever!
Talk to people who you trust and don’t isolate yourself
It will help you to talk about your feelings and thoughts with people you trust from your family or close friends. Don’t keep everything inside. Chose people around you who love and accept you, and you feel comfortable to be yourself and not judged. Don’t hesitate to speak to a professional who can offer additional help and tools.
Don’t blame yourself
Finding out that you have been cheated on can be very damaging for your self-esteem and confidence. Remember not to accept or take the blame for your partner’s actions. You aren’t responsible for someone else’s choices.
Increase self-care
You might find it very difficult to prioritise yourself and do small daily things that you like, when you are in pain, but you will find enormous help by taking care of yourself, such as going for a nice manicure, haircut or a treating yourself with your favourite meal. Do not forget to speak nicely to yourself and with kindness. Don’t judge yourself.
Keep yourself busy
Many people feel like isolating and ruminating about what has happened in their lives. This pattern will keep you stuck in the vicious circle of pain. Keep a busy diary, go to work or engage in activities that you like. Spend time with friends and arrange social events. Go for a short walk or plan a long break. Remember that you’re free to do whatever you want!
Is it ever a good idea to get back with a partner who has cheated on you?
There isn’t a simple yes or no answer. The relationship needs to be built into a new foundation where healings need to take place, communication needs to be improved, intimacy needs to be built and trust to develop.
There are certain elements you can consider if you reach the stage of reconsidering giving your partner a second chance, such as:
If this is the first time; If your partner has realised the hurt/damage that it is created; If there’s an understanding and acknowledgement of the cheating with sincere apology and by accepting full responsibility; If the ties with the affair partner are cut or boundaries have been created; If you think that regardless of the cheating there were many good elements in the relationship that they worth you trying to save. Finally, you need to understand that if you decide to move forward with this relationship you will need to trust your partner again, leave the cheating to the past and work together in any underlying factors that the relationship had prior to the affair.
If you decide to get back with your partner, how can you fix the relationship and move forward?
Relationships can certainly re-build again after cheating only and when there are certain conditions in place. Both partners to want to work together in the relationship and build the missed trust again. There needs to be a mutual understanding as to what lead to the cheating and the necessary responsibility to be allocated; work towards re-balancing the relationship as well.
Honesty, understanding, acceptance, commitment, and better communication are the necessary ingredients for re-creating the relationship under a new scope.
Counselling can be an option when both of you want to work on the relationship, in depth. It can be a difficult process, but it helps couples to identify unhealthy patterns in the relationship that lead to negative choices and learn new ways of interacting and relating to each other. In this case there is a great hope of having an even better relationship than the one you had prior to the affair.
How will you know you're ready to start dating (someone new) again?
There isn’t a specific time frame that applies the same to everyone, as every individual and relationship is different. Also, the length of your relationship with your ex-partner is another factor that needs to be considered. People experience different feelings when a short- or long-term relationship ends.
Starting a new relationship is exciting. You feel wanted and liked. Your hurt self-esteem and self-worth are boosted again. However, if you start dating too soon after a recent break up for the wrong reason and without being ready it can create problems.
There are many emotions after a breakup that need to be dealt with such as anger, confusion, and loss. You need to take your time to process all these feelings and make sense of them. Usually, a three-month period is a good enough time. However, with a long-term relationship that period can be extended to six months or a year.
You’re ready to move into another relationship when all your negative feelings and thoughts about your ex-partner and relationship have been lessened. Being able to understand past relationships and re-evaluating your needs, desires, goals, and values, is important. Enjoying your life as well as your hobbies and finding pleasure again in interacting with people, engaging in activities, and making dreams for your life.
Remember there’s no rush to start a new relationship if the thought of it makes you feel uncomfortable, feel lonely or want to forget your ex.
How can you stop the wound of being cheated on by a previous partner, from impacting a new relationship?
You need to remember that everyone has a baggage and a past, and your new partner needs to acknowledge and respect that. The old feelings and memories from a past painful experience will play and appear again in your new relationship. This is inevitable and very much understandable.
Cheating affects your trust in intimate relationship, as well, as your self-worth and confidence. Your perception about yourself and your new partner will be challenged.
You can discuss your fears with your new partner, who can help you deal with these when they are triggered and gain trust again. You can be cautiously optimistic and give time to yourself. Remember that not everyone cheats, and it isn’t your fault you’ve been cheated in the past.
Keep in mind that starting a new relationship is a risk, like many things in life. You’re willing to take the risk because good things can also happen. Work on your self-worth, self-trust and independence separately from the relationship and remember that whatever life brings, you are strong and capable to deal with everything!
If you’d like to address cheating or other aspects of relationships with an expert psychologist, arrange an appointment with Miss Iordanidou today via her Top Doctors profile.