Self-esteem: Where does low self-belief stem from?

We recently spoke with top London psychologist Dr Nikki Scheiner who is the founder and clinic director of The Functional Symptoms Recovery Clinic on Harley Street, to find out where a lack of self-belief stems from, what causes it and why it can be so detrimental.

What exactly is a lack of self-belief?

There are a few terms that people use to describe the sense that they are not as good as others: a lack of self-belief, low self-esteem or self-worth and poor self-concept. Often used interchangeably, these terms are subtly different, but they all indicate an unhelpful way of interacting with the world. Perhaps even more worryingly, many of us do not understand the damage that a lack of self-belief can wreak in any area of our lives: home, social, or the work-place. Nor do we stop and ask ourselves how to recover a healthy belief in our abilities. People often state that they have low self-esteem as an explanation for a problem, rather than asking themselves how they can modify their view of themselves.

Are we born with low self- esteem?

We are not born with low self-esteem. Babies think they can do anything they want. And they don’t get discouraged when they don’t manage the first time round. Toddlers take a few steps, fall down… and then get up again and again and again. They don’t just still on the floor crying, ‘I can’t do this: I’ll never be able to walk. They ‘toddle on.’ Sadly, many of us lose this ability to keep going when we face an obstacle or some form of discouragement.

It is important to note that self-esteem and self-belief can vary according to the context in which we find ourselves. We can, for example, have a high opinion of ourselves in the workplace, knowing that we are competent at our job and able to meet and manage the challenges. With friends, however, we are full of self-doubt, wondering whether we are genuinely liked or loved. Alternatively, I might be very confident that I can rustle up a delicious meal when unexpected guests turn up, but then agonise as to whether my boss values me. If you want to boost your self-esteem, you need to distinguish those areas of your life where it feels healthy from those where it feels fragile. The emotional work focuses on the latter.

What causes some people to have more self-belief than others?

As always when talking about complex human emotions, there is no single reason, but rather many different factors. Culture plays a role. In America, for example, failure is not viewed as a catastrophe, but as one step nearer to success. This philosophy is underpinned by a view of the power of learning. Simply put, when we get something wrong, we can learn from it and act differently next time around. People who are perfectionist – who, by the way, invariably have a highly critical view of themselves – struggle to see the value of learning because they assert that they should have known something – everything – anyway.

The environment, that is, your life circumstances, also impact upon your view of yourself. If life has been generally good to you, you are more likely to develop a good sense of your worth. This means that you are predisposed to believe that you can meet life’s challenges. Further, if you do get overwhelmed by events (for example, the end of a relationship, the loss of a job), you will bounce back sooner if you have a view of your own agency, your ability to be the captain of your destiny.

What is the impact of nature and nurture on our self-belief?

Personality and temperament are other factors that shape your sense of self. Some folk are temperamentally anxious and therefore, if things go wrong, will worry that they may have had a role in this and – worse still – will be vulnerable to on-going problems. Be careful if you find yourself habitually ‘ruminating’– going round and round in your mind - trapping yourself in negative thought, and never glimpsing a way out. Unsurprisingly, this biased thinking drives self-esteem down even lower.

Possibly the most significant factor in shaping our self-concept is our perception of the way were brought up as children. The most significant time in our development is up until the age of 18. If you were bullied at school, or at home, you may have developed the belief that you are an inadequate person, inferior to others. If you were told you were stupid every time you got less than top marks in a school test, you may have come to believe that you are stupid. If you were neglected or abused (emotionally, physically or sexually), you will have learned that you are unimportant. If every time you got angry or sad, you were told to behave, you will have learned that your emotions are not important and nor are you.

What is so bad about having low self-esteem?

People who have a poor view of themselves tend to see the world in very concrete terms, ‘black-and-white’ or what psychologists call ‘dichotomous thinking’: unless everything is going well, it’s all going wrong. This type of thinking typifies someone with fragile self-belief. The implications are serious because this thinking drives down our mood. One hundred per cent success in anything is rare, which means that most people with low self-esteem experience constant or near-constant low mood.

The belief that we are inferior human beings not only leaves us feeling sad, but shapes the choices we make and even the jobs we choose. Usually to our disadvantage. The thought that I am worth less than other people is both distressing and unpleasant and therefore it would be unsurprising if I did not try and reduce this feeling. One certain way of doing this is to become a people-pleaser, that is, do what others want. I might reason, ‘As long as I do what they want, they won’t notice that I am inferior,’ or ‘Unless I accommodate other people’s wishes, they won’t want to associate with me.’ This is quite clearly a good short-term technique, but as a long-term strategy, it just leaves me feeling worse. Why? Because over-time, people come to expect me to prioritise their wishes, making it increasingly difficult for me to say ‘no’. My own needs are then suppressed, sacrificed to the whims and demands of others. Over time, I will probably also become increasingly resentful (passive-aggressive), maybe without even knowing why – remember the individual with low self-esteem is probably not very good at identifying their emotions – and possibly physically ill. Over time, suppressed anger – the emotion that fuels resentment – puts plaque on our arteries leading to poor cardiac health.

People with a lack of self-belief may not achieve their potential in the work-place. They might not apply for jobs appropriate to their skills because they lack confidence. When the opportunity for promotion arises, they might not seize it. They typically think that if they apply for and do not get a job or new role at work, their low worth is confirmed. They fear both failure and being thought of as presumptuous.

A lack of self-belief also determines our choice of partner. People with low self-esteem typically opt for partner who may not be not committed to their welfare, just because they are grateful that someone takes an interest in them. This path inevitably leads to a life-long lack of emotional fulfilment.

If you have any more questions about self-belief and would like to book a consultation with Dr Nikki Scheiner , feel free to do so via her Top Doctors profile.