Asserting boundaries and addressing underlying issues in relationships

An imbalance of give and take or a lack of personal boundaries can lead to problems in relationships of all kinds. In this informative article, we hear expert guidance from highly respected consultant psychiatrist Dr Sunil Raheja on recognising and addressing underlying issues in relationships and the importance of establishing personal boundaries. The leading specialist also shares specialist insight on the factors involved in communicating through conflict and how to evaluate whether you should continue to partake in difficult relationships.

How can I set boundaries and assert myself in my relationships?

The key point here is to assess what is happening within the relationship and whether you feel that it is working as a two-way track. Maybe you feel that you are giving much more and the other person is not responding, or perhaps that you are being challenged and accused of not providing enough, when in fact you are trying to do as much as you can.

In a healthy and effective relationship, there needs to be a two-way process of give and take on both sides. If one side is giving or taking much more than the other, is being abusive or angry or is taking advantage in any way, this is unhealthy and will lead to problems in the relationship.

Each person within a relationship is an individual in their own right. When someone feels that they are losing their own identity in the relationship, this represents the loss of a boundary. Much like a wall in a house, a boundary is like a dividing wall between two parties. When boundaries are not in place, the lack of a sense of identity can be very frustrating and disturbing for the affected person.

Recognising this and enacting change starts with a simple acknowledgement that:

• the relationship is not mutually beneficial
• you feel that your identity is not being recognised within the relationship
• you feel that you are not being accepted for who you are
  ​

Once you have recognised issues at play, you can communicate this by asserting yourself quietly and confidently. What happens next will depend on how the other person responds. If they refuse to respect your boundaries, its important for you to decide to what extent you are going to continue to engage in the relationship.

It’s perfectly reasonable to quietly and confidently assert that if the other person raises their voice or gets abusive, you will then terminate the conversation and move away until they are in a frame of mind where they can engage appropriately.
 

How can I address and resolve underlying issues that are causing difficulties in a relationship?

Exactly how you should address and resolve underlying issues in a relationship will depend on how well you know each other and what the understanding is about what is actually going on underneath the surface.

When considering any kind of problem in a relationship, there is not just what is said about the issue, but also what is underneath the words being communicated. Communication experts tell us that in when we speak, only seven per cent of what is communicated actually relates to the words spoken, while thirty-eight per cent of the message relates to tone of voice and fifty-five per cent to body language. It’s quite striking that the actual words we chose are only a very small part of the factors involved in communication.

When there are difficulties in a relationship, these can arise from not only what is said but the tone of voice that is used and or the body language. For example, if you consider a phrase like, ‘I’m not angry...’, there is a huge variety of ways you can say that to mean different things. Moving the emphasis on each different word, for instance, changes the whole communication.

When addressing and resolving underlying issues, the context of understanding all that has gone on before is key. In my other article on navigating conflict in relationships, I discussed the concept of an emotional bank account and this also comes in to play, as well as how established the level of trust is in the relationship.

Addressing and resolving underlying issues in relationships is an ongoing process and these problems are not necessarily something that can be fixed. Tensions, difficulties and conflicts in a relationship are not always bad things, and in fact can be a means by which you can draw closer to each other. In some cases, conflicts can help people in relationships to better understand each other and may help you to see the other person’s perspective.

How can I determine if it is best to end a difficult relationship and move on?

This depends on the nature of the relationship (a romantic partner, a friendship or relationship with a work colleague) as well as many other factors, including:

• how long you have known the person
• what type of commitment that has been expressed in the past
• the impact that the relationship has on you

It can be helpful to consider whether the relationship allows or encourages you to grow and develop as a person. It’s also important to reflect on whether there are levels of abuse or anger in the relationship that are making you feel uncomfortable.

Aristotle has a very helpful theory which relates to three different types of friendships:

• friendships of pleasure
• friendships of utility
• friendships of virtue

Friends of pleasure are those you enjoy spending time with and doing fun things, maybe watching a movie or a TV series together, or just hanging out. Alternatively, friendships of utility may develop where you are brought together because of a common project you are working on, such as in the work environment. Finally, there are friends of virtue who help you to grow and develop as a person. According to Aristotle, you should focus on friendships of virtue as those are the rarest and most valuable.

In any type of difficult relationship, friendship or otherwise, you should consider whether it is helping you to grow as a person. Difficult relationships don’t necessarily need to end if you feel that they are helping you to develop in spite of the issues at play. In fact, your level of commitment to that person can be an expression of your love and concern where you decide to persevere on although there are some difficulties. However, if the difficulties are harming you in some way, or if there is abuse or violence, those are warning signs that proper boundaries need to be set.




You can read more of Dr Raheja’s expert insight on managing difficult relationships and diffusing tension in conflict in his other detailed article on the topic.

If you are struggling with boundaries or underlying issues in your relationship and wish to schedule a consultation with Dr Raheja, you can do so by visiting his Top Doctors profile.