How emotional dependence can lead to emotional abuse and how it can be diagnosed and treated

Being, as we are, social animals, it is natural that there is a certain emotional dependence in our relationships, which makes us need each other. The problem arises when a person is controlled by that need, because it translates into a fear of loss, loneliness or abandonment, which corrupts the effective bond until it becomes vulnerable and pathological from the psychological point of view. Love should not mean surrender without reservations, nor, submission. When one person controls the other it can, unfortunately, lead to emotional abuse.

What is emotional dependency?

Although emotional dependence is not strictly a psychological disorder, it is a source of numerous psychological problems and stress in personal relationships, especially in the realm of effective relationships, people who establish relationships based on emotional dependence are not aware of this, despite the many disorders that may develop, including depression, psychosomatic disorders, anxiety attacks or other anxiety disorders. Emotional dependence leads one person to submit to the other, not only when the other person provides affection and security, but even in cases where rejection and contempt are common. The argument they use is that, in any case, the most important thing is not to lose the company of the other.

It is important to differentiate between instrumental dependence and emotional dependence.

Instrumental dependence is characterised by:

• a lack of autonomy in daily life
• insecurity
• poor capacity to make decisions
• poor at taking responsibility
• a struggle to develop effectively.

Emotional dependence, on the other hand, is determined, above all, by emotional and motivational elements towards the person on whom the dependent person relies on as a source of satisfaction and personal security. It is for this reason that emotional dependence does not imply inability or need for help or protection in other aspects of life. According to some authors, emotional dependence could be defined as a pattern of unsatisfied effective demands that lead the person to seek to satisfy them desperately with close interpersonal relationships.

Emotionally dependent people

Psychological maturity implies, among others, the knowledge and acceptance of one's own capacities and limitations, autonomy in decision-making and competence in the management of emotions and interpersonal relationships. The emotionally dependent person leaves their self-esteem in the hands of others, namely those they depend on. Instead of basing self-assessment on their own criteria, they do it on others', which gives enormous power to the people on whom they depend. The evaluations and reactions of the others generate intense emotional reactions and determine, in the dependent person, whether they feel accepted or not. This causes emotional ups and downs.

Diagnosis of emotional dependence

For a good diagnosis of the problem, it is necessary to know the early maladaptive circumstances of those who have developed emotional dependence. These would be linked to childhood experiences and enables an understanding of their history of relationships and affective bonds. Only from this knowledge is it for clinical psychology to intervene successfully to help the dependent person:

• Modify their way of interpreting interpersonal situations
• Manage doubt and fear of rejection
• Help them build healthy personal relationships

Treatment of emotional dependence

Fortunately, with proper psychological treatment, anyone willing to change can overcome their emotional dependence, start taking charge of their life, their personal relationships and recover a positive mood. The objectives of the therapy should be aimed at strengthening the resources of the dependent person regarding their self-esteem, assertiveness and capacity for personal fulfilment outside the scope of the relationship. To improve self-esteem, the person is guided to improve and replace the negative bias in their self-assessment, to start to adequately meet their needs and value their achievements.

The emotional dependent person also needs to understand assertiveness. Assertiveness is the ability to defend one's rights, respecting those of others, expressing opinions, feelings, rejecting inappropriate demands, clearly, directly and in a timely manner. Assertiveness is in the middle of the two negative extremes: passivity or submission, at one end, and aggressiveness, at the other. Other important objectives of psychological therapy are to encourage and orient the dependent person to have family and friend relationships as well as romantic relationships, and to also have hobbies.