How your family relationships influence you

"Does my relationship with my parents affect my character? And can my relationship with my brother or sister affect who my friends are?"

Family is very important; the relationships between us and our mother, father, sister or brother are the first relationships we learn to form in our lives. So it is not surprising that these relationships can have a significant impact on us later in life and even determine how well we form new relationships in the future.

We spoke to Dr Sunil Raheja, an experienced consultant psychiatrist based in London, to find out more about family dynamics and how they influence our behaviour later in life.

How does your family influence you and your behaviour?

Your family influences your behaviour in a tremendous way. We learn so much about how we interact with the world and ourselves. Family relationships cast long shadows, especially when we are young, and it goes very deep into our psyche. Young children are like sponges; they learn so much from their parents and/or caregivers and there are many ways it can affect them as they grow up:

• Physical health - Many studies have shown that positive relationships with relatives lead to more positive habits later in life, such as taking better care of yourself and making healthy food choices. In contrast, negative relationships that cause stress can lead to unhealthy eating habits and poor physical self-care.
• Mental health - A strong and positive family support system from a young age can lead to better mental health when we are adults. As children, we need to feel loved and supported, which can give us a sense of purpose in our lives as we grow up and enter adulthood. Without this, we humans tend to grow up vulnerable to developing mental health disorders.
• Emotional health - Having positive sibling relationships can teach us how to interact and build friendships with other children of different ages. It also teaches us how to share and builds empathy. However, problematic sibling relationships, such as rivalry or competition for a parent's love, can have a negative impact on us later in life.

Can your family influence your relationships with friends and colleagues?

As we get older, we begin to relate to people who remind us of certain members of our family because it brings up things from our past that we are not aware of. For example, if you had a bad relationship with your father, you may get angry with someone you meet who reminds you of him. However, it also works the other way around; you can build healthy relationships with people who remind you of a positive relationship you also had with your father.

What is a healthy family relationship?

A healthy family dynamic is one where all members feel loved, safe, and supported by each other; where all members of a family are able to feel comfortable with each other and your individual identity (your own and your place in the family) encourages you to grow and develop.

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Leo Tolstoy

Every family functions differently, but parents and caregivers can help to foster this in their children by showing and teaching them love, care, positivity and respectful interaction.

How can you maintain a good relationship with your family?

A healthy family dynamic can be achieved by spending quality time together as a family, solving problems together and effectively communicating verbally and through actions how much you love one another.

It is important to remember that relationships are something organic and in a constant state of change. In order for parents to maintain a healthy relationship with their children, it is very important that they give them enough space to develop independently. Often parents make the mistake of treating their children younger than they actually are.

Individual space for children and especially teenagers is very important as it gives them time to do inner work, discover themselves and become more independent. It is a valuable growing space where they learn to discover what they want from life.

Unfortunately, some parents push their children to live out the dreams they once had for themselves; in other words, they live their lives through their child. Signs that you are doing this are that you are obsessing over your child's activities and/or forcing them to do things that don't seem to interest them. This can be very damaging to your child's self-identification.

“The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents.” Carl Jung.

When might family therapy be needed?

Family therapy can be useful if there are problems that are becoming unsolveable and interfering with the daily lives of you and your family. Some outside help is then helpful.

Family therapy is not something you should shy away from; it can be an opportunity for all family members to develop and grow. Having someone from the outside commenting, speaking and pointing out patterns can help all members develop better self-awareness and a new perspective.

Each family has its own culture. Therapy can observe what is going on and make comments about the way members interact with each other. It can make you question what is "normal" or acceptable behaviour.

Some problems that family therapy can help with are:

• Problems in communication
• Sibling rivalry
• Secrets and unresolved disputes
• Mental illness in the family
• Problems at school or work
• Behavioural problems
• Drug abuse or addiction
• A death in the family
• Financial problems

Family therapy creates a space where members can calmly and safely discuss their problems. It has great potential to be very healing and transformative.

Dr Raheja specialises in a wide range of mental health conditions including depression, stress and burnout. He is available for a video call using our e-Consultation tool which you can find on his profile.