What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is defined as the ability to express yourself in an open, calm, and direct way whilst still respecting others. It’s considered to be an important quality in everyday life, from relationships at work or with family and friends. Assertiveness is the middle ground of communicating between a passive style and an aggressive style.

Many people misunderstand the meaning of assertiveness and mistake it for aggression or excessive dominance. In fact, assertiveness is a positive characteristic, which allows a person to clearly express their needs, boundaries, and opinions while minimising conflict and maintaining respect towards others.

What does assertiveness feel like?

Traits of feeling assertive can be described by the following statements:

• You feel confident about yourself.
• You feel entitled to be who you are.
• You express yourself calmly and clearly.
• You believe you are valuable and that so is your time.

People who are assertive are not afraid to defend their points of views, goals, or encourage others to see their point of view. Assertiveness is often associated with higher self-esteem and confidence. It is a quality that can be learnt.

Why is assertiveness a valuable trait?

Being assertive can help you control anger, stress, and improve coping skills. It’s important to recognise and learn assertive behaviour and communication, as without assertiveness, people may allow others to violate their boundaries. As the concept of assertive communication is based on mutual respect and diplomacy, it can help people navigate complex problems or periods of change effectively within all types of relationships.

How can a lack of assertiveness affect a person's mood?

People who are not assertive may suffer from a lack of confidence or low self-esteem and may find speaking or expressing themselves clearly very difficult. Feeling that other people do not understand you or may laugh at you can lead to low mood and feelings of tension, anxiety and irritability.

What signs indicate a lack of assertiveness?

Various factors may suggest that a person has low assertiveness, including:

• poor fluidity when speaking
• stuttering
• low self-esteem
• worrying excessively about other people’s opinions
• feelings of inadequacy
• anxiety
• frustration
• sensitivity to criticism
• insecurity

These characteristics can cause or worsen low self-esteem and self-worth.

What are the causes of a lack of assertiveness?

Although some people believe that a lack of assertiveness is related to personality traits which we are born with and are unable to change, many dispute this and instead think that a lack of assertiveness stems from learned behaviour. This indicates that people who suffer from a lack of assertiveness can “unlearn” these behavioural patterns and retrain themselves to communicate more effectively and improve their self-esteem.

Possible events which can lead to adopting passive, non-assertive traits may include:

• being punished often growing up
• not valuing positive feedback
• stressful life events
• suffering from anxiety, low confidence, and poor self-esteem
• learnt behaviour
• unhealthy relationships in which your voice is “silenced” or your needs and opinions are consistently ignored
• feeling ‘frozen’ by anxiety and unable to respond
• not knowing or neglecting your rights
• patterns of irrational thoughts

Can people suffering from a lack of assertiveness improve this?

It is entirely possible to improve your ability to communicate your needs and opinions by working on assertiveness. To do this, it is not necessary to change your personality, but rather learning new ways to communicate effectively. Activities which help to boost your self-esteem can also improve your assertiveness. Small changes, such as observing how you handle difficult conversations, analysing how clearly you communicate or using positive self-talk can be a good way to start.

Therapy, such as cognitive behavioural therapy, can be used to improve assertiveness. This is often based on a series of techniques of cognitive restructuring which teach people how to express their feelings, give importance to their beliefs, and analyse irrational ideas and try to correct them.

Which type of medical specialist helps improve assertiveness?

Psychologists treat low assertiveness with cognitive behavioural therapy and counselling.